Friday, October 22, 2010

Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

Have those Super Mom freaks got you down? Do you feel like you can never be as "good" as they are? Do all of their "must dos" and rules have you overwhelmed? Well, forget about them, and all their supposed perfection.  Forget about that sanctimoniously shocked look that PTA mom might have given you when she saw your 2 year old happily cramming Chicken McNuggets down her gullet, while your 7 year old stole a big slug of your Starbucks.  Forget that judgy/pitying look that other Mom in the doctor's office gave you when you pulled out a bottle to feed your baby with. They're Pharisees.  Legalists.  And they're probably liars, too.  They (secretly) may not follow all the "rules" either.  They just don't have the confidence to admit it.

Have you broken some of the Perfect Mom Rules? I have.  Sure, most of those rules are actually based upon really good ideas-but some folks would have us believe that our children are doomed if we don't do every.single.thing. that the parenting books and magazines tell us to, all.the.time.  (Ever notice how that advice changes every few years, anyhow? Yet, the majority of humans somehow make it beyond childhood.  Imagine that....) 

So, I thought I'd share some of my own Imperfect Mom Confessions.  Now, if you believe differently than me, that's ok.  Really.  We all just need to cut each other some slack.
  1. I didn't breastfeed my children   And I don't feel guilty about it.  Can you believe I just admitted that?! On a Mom blog?! For real?! I know.  But it's the truth.  I didn't breastfeed either of them, yet somehow, they are still capable of passing our state's standardized testing! Crazy, right? Despite what I was warned when they were infants, they are not dumb, sickly, allergic to everything, or fat.  By no means am I putting down breastfeeding-I promise you I'm not!! I've read the research, there are many great reasons to breastfeed.  So, if that is a mother's choice, then that's wonderful.  But if her choice is to formula feed, then that's great too, because her kids will be fine.  I promise.  (And if they aren't, then it won't be because they drank baby formula.) I've got two healthy, honor roll kids to prove it.  Hey, I was a formula baby, and not only did I make it to adulthood, but I obtained a college degree.  Plus, I'm really smart sane normal cute funny ok.
  2. My kids eat food from McDonald's at least once every other week.  Yes, I've seen Fast Food Nation.  Yes, I know that eating fast food all the time isn't healthy.  Yes, I've read the reports about how McDonald's food doesn't decompose like other foods do.  Actually, that sort of fascinates me-every time I find a 6 month old french fry under the seat in the minivan that still looks fresh from the fryer, from now on I'm going to wonder why McDonald's doesn't have their own line of anti-aging skin creams.  Seriously, I think I'm on to something with this....
  3. My kids were preschool age before they gave up their pacifiers.  Before I had kids, I would roll my eyes (at least inwardly) when I saw a toddler with a binky.  I insisted that no child of mine would have a pacifier past 6 months of age. Then, I had kids of my own. Yep.  I think I could end this one here, and you'd all understand, right?  My daughter gave up hers when she turned three, but my son didn't until he turned 4. Yikes-that does sound kind of bad in print.  We tried the Binky Fairy, the Let's Give All the Binkies to the Poor Babies Who Don't Have Any gimmick, we tried using logic (Ha! Have you met a preschooler?) , and we tried cold turkey.  That whole "Cold Turkey" thing led my brother in law, who was living with us at the time, to go to the store for a new pacifier for our three year old son in the midst of a very bad storm.  He literally got hailed on walking out of the store, and there were tornadoes in the area.  My son, who is terrified of storms still, had been crying inconsolably for hours.  No amount of love, hugs, rocking, or reassurance would stop the wailing.  But once he had his precious new "doot-doot", all was well with the world once again.  We'll be telling that story at his wedding someday, for sure! Anyhow, they both gave them up eventually, and are both quite well adjusted.  Plus, their dental problems have nothing to do with pacifiers-it's all genetic.  Unless that horrible Similac has something to do with it...
So, there you go.  I'm sure I'll have more confessions for you another time, but I think I've stirred up enough controversy already.  If I could tell my Younger Mom Self one thing, it would be to relax-everything will be ok.  I wonder what my Middle Aged Mom Self would say to the current me about raising teens? Scratch that, I'm afraid to find out!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Road Rage Letters

Vehicle with its left directional signal activ...Image via Wikipedia

To the Very Rude and Angry Man Who Was Waiting to Turn,

I cannot even express how sure I am that it is not my fault that YOU did not realize that my turn signal was on, and had been on, for a very appropriate length of time.  I realize that you would have turned sooner if you had known that I was turning onto the road you were waiting on in your redneck mobile.  However, I also realize that I gave you two very important clues regarding my intention to turn: first, I turned on my turn signal in advance, and second, I slowed down as I approached my turn.  Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the purpose of turn signals.  Perhaps in your neighborhood, one must throw a crumpled beer can out the window in the direction one intends upon turning.  Or maybe you just yell out the window "Hey, ya'll! I'm fixin' to turn!"  But here in the 'burbs, we have these flashy light thingies, and these thingies blink on the side that we are going to be turning.  This eliminates the need for big neon arrows, and cuts down on car crashes. 

So, since I followed the rules, I feel quite insulted that you decided to blare your horn, yell disparaging and hurtful remarks about my personal character, and raise both arms out the window in that "what the heck?" motion.  I hope that the next time you do that, your arms freeze in place, shrivel and atrophy from lack of use, and then dry up and crumble away.  Likewise, I hope that your foot becomes like a lead magnet on the brake pedal.  Then, everyone behind you will honk and scream obscenities to you because you can't move, and you will have plenty of time to sit and think about what a sad, lonely, alienating jerk you are.

Hope This Helps,


Was that a little too harsh?
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Sunday, October 10, 2010

What Would You Stitch on a Pillow?

You know those decorative pillows that southern belles, debutantes, and beauty contestant types supposedly have on their big, fluffy, canopied beds? The ones with inspirational statements on them?  Well, I've decided that I ought to make some of my own! I could even sell them on etsy or in craft fairs! You know, if I had the attention span and talent to sew and embroider and cross stitch, that is.  Well, I may never have an adorable, trendy etsy shop with handmade in demand stuff, but I do have this blog, so I'll share some of my favorite inspirational, words to live by, quoted directly from Yours Truly. (Some directly swiped from my Twitter feed-Komedy Gold, I tell you!)

  • Fall is Overrated
  • If It's Too Cold For Flipflops, It's Too Cold
  • A Well Made Gravy Goes With Everything
  • If This is the Start of My Midlife Crisis, Then Where is My Sports Car?
  • Everything in Life Can Be Related to an Episode of Friends or Seinfeld
  • Cheese Makes Everything Better
  • The One Time You Have Family Over and Run Out of Toilet Paper, Grandma Will Complain and Harp on it For the Next Five Years (not that that actually happened, or anything....)
What would you stitch on a pillow?
(picture used is from

By the way-I'd appreciate it if a few of you could do me a favor.  I'm working on possibly getting a temporary teaching job, and have applied a few places.  I received an automated email back from one district asking me if I had a home page, because they like to see what potential employees can do with technology.  So, not knowing what else to do, I started an education related blog.  I have zero followers, so it'd probably look better if I had a few, ;-) If you wouldn't mind following me here, I'd appreciate it! It probably won't be terribly exciting, so don't feel compelled to read it if you want.  If you have suggestions-I'm open to hearing them, but please be kind! Thanks!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dieting Advice I Don't Want to Hear Anymore

Well, it's that time again.  I need to lose some weight.  I've gained 8 frickin' pounds (on top of the 30+ I already need to lose), and I'm down to 2 pairs of pants that fit comfortably.  Gee, I miss the days of eating what I wanted and not having to worry about it-that was wonderful!  Then, I turned 30, and my metabolism came to a screeching halt.  Really! At 29, it was still chugging away, maybe not running quite as smoothly as it did at say, 23, but it was still getting the job done.  Then, the day I turned 30, it just quit.  Not a cough, or a sputter, just...nothing.  The warranty must have run out.  Isn't that how it goes with everything else? When it's under warranty, it's great, but as soon as the warranty expires-BAM! A $567 repair bill.

Anyhow, I go through this often, and after I finally build up the motivation to start exercising and counting calories, I watch the pounds hang on like preschoolers who won't leave their mommies on the first day of school.  Finally, one or two will be ripped away screaming "Noooooo!!! You can't do this to me! I'll be back, and next time, I'll bring friends! Bwahahaha!"  Eventually, I get tired of counting calories, and even more sick of exercising, and I quit.  I have a short attention span-I just don't have the patience to stick with it.  So, here I go again.  In order to build up my motivation, I've been searching around on the internet, looking to see if there are any new, life-changing diet tips that will turn me into a motivated person who is addicted to exercise, and no longer dreams of all the foods I shouldn't eat much of.  No such luck-it's just the same old stuff-that I'm tired of hearing.  For example:

It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change.  This is supposed to help me feel better, how!  So in a nutshell, not only do I have to limit my portions and favorite foods while I'm trying to fit my boo-tay back in my jeans, but I have to do it forever?! If I can't even manage to do that for a few measly weeks before getting bored, how am I ever going to have the motivation to do that for the rest of my life?  Sure, I like some healthy foods, but I also love cheesey, saucy, yummy comfort foods.

You can still enjoy going out to eat, just look for grilled or broiled chicken or fish with no sauces, and eat a salad with dressing on the side.  Going out to dinner is something I really enjoy.  I like food! (except fish!) So after weeks of watching what I eat at home, I'm supposed to have the willpower and desire to go to a restaurant and actually choose to forgo the yummy stuff in favor of chocking down a piece of flavorless chicken and a dry salad while everyone else eats food with taste? Seriously? I'd rather stay home.  And possibly cry....

If you drink lots of water before meals, you won't eat as much.  Well, that's because I'll be sitting in the bathroom all day! Seriously, I've tried this, and I just get hungry again sooner.

You must eat breakfast! It's the most important meal of the day! The sky will fall if you don't eat breakfast every, single, solitary fricken day!  I hate this one.  The only time of day that I'm usually not thinking too much about food, is when I first get up.  Just give me my Coke Zero, and everything will be good.  The truth is, my stomach is always growling for lunch within 2-3 hours-regardless of whether I've eaten breakfast, or not! Sometimes, eating breakfast makes me even more hungry! Oh sure, if I've eaten a big breakfast of carb and fat laden foods, then I'm fine, but that sort of defeats the purpose.  I'd rather save those calories for later.  So, get off my back you breakfast militants!

Search for an activity you like! There's something for everyone, and soon, you'll enjoy it so much that you'll look forward to doing it!  This is great advice for a lot of people-particularly those with athletic ability, and plenty of money and time.  Not so much for me.  I've tried lots of things over the years.  Some I can tolerate, so I do those until I get so sick of them I quit.  I suppose it would help if I ever experience those "feel good endorphins" that the fitness police swear everyone gets after some good, sweaty, breathless, jiggly cardio.

Ok, I realize this is a pretty negative post, but dangit! I'm hungry!!  You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry... Plus, pretending to be positive when I'm really not feeling it, makes me giddy with sarcasm, and we wouldn't want that to happen! What is your least favorite diet advice?
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