Dieting Advice I Don't Want to Hear Anymore

Well, it's that time again.  I need to lose some weight.  I've gained 8 frickin' pounds (on top of the 30+ I already need to lose), and I'm down to 2 pairs of pants that fit comfortably.  Gee, I miss the days of eating what I wanted and not having to worry about it-that was wonderful!  Then, I turned 30, and my metabolism came to a screeching halt.  Really! At 29, it was still chugging away, maybe not running quite as smoothly as it did at say, 23, but it was still getting the job done.  Then, the day I turned 30, it just quit.  Not a cough, or a sputter, just...nothing.  The warranty must have run out.  Isn't that how it goes with everything else? When it's under warranty, it's great, but as soon as the warranty expires-BAM! A $567 repair bill.

Anyhow, I go through this often, and after I finally build up the motivation to start exercising and counting calories, I watch the pounds hang on like preschoolers who won't leave their mommies on the first day of school.  Finally, one or two will be ripped away screaming "Noooooo!!! You can't do this to me! I'll be back, and next time, I'll bring friends! Bwahahaha!"  Eventually, I get tired of counting calories, and even more sick of exercising, and I quit.  I have a short attention span-I just don't have the patience to stick with it.  So, here I go again.  In order to build up my motivation, I've been searching around on the internet, looking to see if there are any new, life-changing diet tips that will turn me into a motivated person who is addicted to exercise, and no longer dreams of all the foods I shouldn't eat much of.  No such luck-it's just the same old stuff-that I'm tired of hearing.  For example:

It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change.  This is supposed to help me feel better, how!  So in a nutshell, not only do I have to limit my portions and favorite foods while I'm trying to fit my boo-tay back in my jeans, but I have to do it forever?! If I can't even manage to do that for a few measly weeks before getting bored, how am I ever going to have the motivation to do that for the rest of my life?  Sure, I like some healthy foods, but I also love cheesey, saucy, yummy comfort foods.

You can still enjoy going out to eat, just look for grilled or broiled chicken or fish with no sauces, and eat a salad with dressing on the side.  Going out to dinner is something I really enjoy.  I like food! (except fish!) So after weeks of watching what I eat at home, I'm supposed to have the willpower and desire to go to a restaurant and actually choose to forgo the yummy stuff in favor of chocking down a piece of flavorless chicken and a dry salad while everyone else eats food with taste? Seriously? I'd rather stay home.  And possibly cry....

If you drink lots of water before meals, you won't eat as much.  Well, that's because I'll be sitting in the bathroom all day! Seriously, I've tried this, and I just get hungry again sooner.

You must eat breakfast! It's the most important meal of the day! The sky will fall if you don't eat breakfast every, single, solitary fricken day!  I hate this one.  The only time of day that I'm usually not thinking too much about food, is when I first get up.  Just give me my Coke Zero, and everything will be good.  The truth is, my stomach is always growling for lunch within 2-3 hours-regardless of whether I've eaten breakfast, or not! Sometimes, eating breakfast makes me even more hungry! Oh sure, if I've eaten a big breakfast of carb and fat laden foods, then I'm fine, but that sort of defeats the purpose.  I'd rather save those calories for later.  So, get off my back you breakfast militants!

Search for an activity you like! There's something for everyone, and soon, you'll enjoy it so much that you'll look forward to doing it!  This is great advice for a lot of people-particularly those with athletic ability, and plenty of money and time.  Not so much for me.  I've tried lots of things over the years.  Some I can tolerate, so I do those until I get so sick of them I quit.  I suppose it would help if I ever experience those "feel good endorphins" that the fitness police swear everyone gets after some good, sweaty, breathless, jiggly cardio.

Ok, I realize this is a pretty negative post, but dangit! I'm hungry!!  You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry... Plus, pretending to be positive when I'm really not feeling it, makes me giddy with sarcasm, and we wouldn't want that to happen! What is your least favorite diet advice?